I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
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I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
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Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...