dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
