I am puke
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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