I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my shit smells like andre
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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