thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
