my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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