if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
