just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
