she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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