Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
