i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Drake has all the answers
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
