That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
