these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
