I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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