So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
