Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
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my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
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You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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