Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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