Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
my god I love twenty year old dicks
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
