she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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