One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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