I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
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This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
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mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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