he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
