I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
