this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
