I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
