I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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