i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
