i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
