She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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