I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
