WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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