Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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