just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
