So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
