My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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