I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
