How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
