Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
