Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
