Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
