the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
