She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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