I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
