she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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