i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just sucked dick on a ferry