Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
