My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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