Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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