I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We named our party play list daddy issues
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
