My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
