I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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