The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
