he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
