just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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