Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
